How can anyone who wants to be "skinny" believe in what the rest of the world calls recovery?
Even if I "recover" from this state of mind, gain weight, become what they think of as normal..
Stop thinking this way, counting calories and staring at my body in the mirror, looking at thinspo videos on you tube?

I did actually gain some weight because I felt that my face looked sunken and wasted away. I still do not feel pretty.

I do not feel fat so much as depressed and "imperfect". My stomach is not flat enough and my thighs look gross. Oddly, I know even as I say this that other people would say I look good.
I know I am sick in the head, but I felt happier when I acted on these thoughts and deprived myself. Feeling in control felt so good.

I don't think I can maintain this "normalcy"...
Restricting made me feel like I was on my way to being "forever thin".
I know logically that perfection is a myth..
but that cannot keep me from going back to where I am comfortable and felt free and empty...

I met my friend in Denver for shopping and happy hour, and we went into this awesome little boutique where I tried on a very cute/sexy lingerie top.  The saleswoman made a comment on how skinny i was and took the smaller size off of the mannequin for me which made me feel like a million bucks!  And i will say, I was not totally displeased with my appearance, except for my tiny boobs that didn't fill the top out enough :( but it still felt good to be their little "model" and have them keep bringing me stuff to try on!  

Then we went to a nice place for happy hour and my friend insisted that I split a plate of truffle fries with her (I would NEVER order that on my own, and this particular friend is on the heavier side....) So i ended up eating half of them and trying to PURGE as much as I could, but didn't feel like I got much up.  So in the car on the way home, in rush hour and a snow storm, I was trying to make myself puke into a shopping bag.  While driving.  To me that seems pretty low, what do you all think? Is anyone else this fucking consumed with getting all food out of their body!?  Argh I feel like I should be mad at myself for putting myself and other drivers in danger but I'm not, I feel like I ate those damn fries so I had to do what I had to do.  I was going to puke in the parking garage by my car but thought I'd be more likely to get caught.  

Also today I went to an initial consultation for a ED treatment program, that my current therapist referred me to because I've gotten quite a bit worse regardless of being in 'treatment' since April.  My bf also told me about this place after I told him that i've fallen back into this.  It's an intensive outpatient program and it costs $15,000.  Thank god for insurance....but.....wtf am I really going to go through with it???  It was really a slap in the face today to see where I have gotten myself.  Especially since I'm fitting comfortably into my size 4s ( I know I talk about them a lot but I'm sooooo happy with that!) and having store owners that i look skinny....why would I give that up to spend TONS of time and money in treatment???  Yipes.  

But, as I posted in my journal.....I don't know which is scarier?  Being so f*ed up that I'm facing a $15 thousand dollar treatment program, or the fact that I'm so f*ed up that i'm purging into a bag in my car while driving.  Icky icky gross hell! 

My bf and some of his friends are going out to a pizza place tonight and he said that I'd come but told everyone that I probably wouldn't eat.  WTF they're all going to be like wtf is wrong with Jonny's girlfriend??? I know that going there is just setting myself up to purge, if I break down and have even one bite.  Any advice on how to enjoy myself without ending up disappointing myself and my bf by ending the dinner in the bathroom? 

So thank you for reading this if you took the time to!!!!   I  thought the color and bolding of the text might make it more interesting :)

THANK YOU ALL FOR EXISTING AND BEING SO WONDERFUL TO EACH OTHER!!!!

heyahh sweeties
how is everyone ?
omg well its been snowing like mad over where i live (wales - near cardiff ) but i have still done some excrise done about 30 minuters speed walking 1 hour wii fit plus and then 30 minuters just jumping around dancing and all that so all together 2 hours plus my dad is off out tonight so i will poubs do about 2 hours speed walking and about 2-3 hours running
ok calories wise ive had 360 so im going to have some cereal later so total for today is 400 yayy and I WILL NOT BINGE
fingers crossed anyway i normally binge when my mam or dad goes out :( but i will not do it tonight
and weigh myself i losed 2 pounds yayyyy going to weigh again tonight so ill updata you later ok guyss
stay strong
all my love and support
rose xxxxx

most of the time, the reason i don't have the courage to post here is b/c i fail.
i've been on a binge-roll for the past 3 days and i don't have the guts to even log in to LJ.
make it short, i'm too ashamed b/c i have no control.

gosh.. i wish i had willpower.
i desperately have to lose weight.. yet..?


my cousin will be back on the 16th, so it will be harder for me to not eat..

meanwhile, i should control myself to the max while she's not here yet.
i don't care. i'll just restrict and refrain.



if i could do this, it would show me that i can control my own life for the better.



--
so sorry girls :(

So I finally aquired a scale I have not weight myself in the past month.
CW:137.8
HW:143
GW:125 ( Jan 25 )
115 ( Feb 12 )
110 ( Feb 25 )

Attempted my first liquid fast & I have to say... I applaud myself LOADS.
To the people who responded to my last post, thank you. :) Made me smile like CHEEZE,YO. lol. I wonder if it's normal that I'm so hyper but I haven't chewed a thing today. BUT I did drink some coffee from some store. Teacher got it for me, I drank less than a half so just to be safe, I round that to... 75 calories. From then- nothing. But right now, diet coke. Awesome. I. feel. AWESOME.

Well I can't keep track of livejournal and blogspot and even if my bf found my blogspot he promised he wouldnt go on it anymore...
So anyone have a blogspot?
Mines is http://memorialperfection.blogspot.com/
I would gladly follow because whether people know it or not,
My inspiration comes from alot of you.

Anyways,
Today so far,
222.5 calories..
I feel fat
:(

So far so good today :)
I have only eaten 140 calories in cheese and have been drinking water.
I feel very strong today and i am very happy.
I have spent my day looking up 'diet' pills such as apidexin, Phenphedrine, and Liporexall. Has anyone taken these or know of one with proven results? any input, positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated.

-L

WELCOME

Here you are, at anorexicqueen. Before you join this community, please read the following.

What this site is
This an eating disorder support community. We're here to listen, support, care and all the things in between. Feeling down? Post and let us know. We'll try and cheer you up. Need advice on asking for help? We're always here for you.

What this site is not
A proanorexic community. Almost all proanorexic sites should be shut down because they harm, hurt and encourage others to self-destruct. You'll find no tips or tricks here, we wont tell you how to develop an eating disorder (partially because there are no instructions) nor will we tell you how to hide anything from your family. You won't find any nudes/semi-nudes here either; anyone posting pictures to count their bones will be banned.

Remember
Posting here is done at your own risk. Remember that this is the internet and you are never anonymous. Always ask yourself: "would I like my mom or grand mother to see what I'm posting?".

Anorexia as a lifestyle?
Don't have an eating disorder but want to join? Sure thing, you can do that by clicking the "x" in the corner of your browser. Thanks, don't come again!

Any offensive comments will be removed and anyone insulting others will be banned. Although, everyone here is really lovely and gets along well so there should be no problems.

anorexicqueen has locked posts again as of October 09 due to privacy concerns.

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Feel like this is the place for you? Just create an account then you can go here to join.

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Maintainer:
gemxpink
You can contact me via private message at any time should you need to do so.

Moderators:

attained - fighting2win - justafatass
lollypoptown - morag_mairhread - washie

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If you are on this page because you have found it and are concerned about a loved one, please do not act harshly. Confronting the person in a negative manner will upset them and cause them to do more damage to themselves. A hug from you could save their life.

heyahh girless
how is everyone ?
ok today and yesterday wernt so bad you now could of been better could of been worse :)
but woooo yesterday i had the wii fit plus for my birthday (among other things) and its brill it tells you how many calories you burn and how many calories are in some food
so far today i have burned 266 not very good but im going to have a another go later
ok so ive had about 600 calories today :/ but im going to try and burn off around 500 - 600
and girless im so proud of my self earlier i sat down stairs (quite hungry) with a bowl of choclate and sweets on my lap for 15 MINUTERS and i did not touch 1 of then :D hey its a start and i WILL NOT TOUCH ANY OF THEN LATER ETHER I WILL BE STRONG
I would say yesterday i had about 1000 -1300 calories soo you now
hopefully its soupst to be snowing heavily tonight and tommrow so thats no college yayy it will still have a week to lose my 3-5 pounds i have ony losed 2 so far
anywayss stay strong
all my love and support
rose x x x x

am doing okay today am still on my raw food diet (day five) and i havent purged yet in five days(a huge accomplishment). but i dont feel so good because am not losing weight.

does anyone know where i can get green tea pills from? because they didnt have any at the pharmacies :( i can only get them online?

someone posted about their mum starting a diet and its too old for me to comment now but i can totally relate :( my mum eats so damn little i actually suspect she has an eating disorder. she is normal weight wise (probably a little underweight) and she is always dieting,she always uses the bathroom after eating and closes all the doors on her way there, or she suddenly eats too much. i also have two clinically diagnosed anorexic aunts and a cousin. so i feel we are all in sort of a competition. i hate it.

i love all the girls here. such a supportive community u guys all rock. we all go through almost the same shit everyday. i wish we all get better <3
as i always say, thank you.

XX

Hello ladies,
I hope everyone had a good holiday.
This is the first time I have been back in almost a month! I went to my dads and they don't have internet, I didn't realize how much my life revolves around having an internet connection until it was gone. Especially since I was away from all my friends and didn't know anyone.
Well, things didn't go to well for me over the past month, and as of right now I am not sure of my exact weight I didn't have a scale at my dad's and Daniel threw ours away :(
I am sure I gained quite a bit, I feel like a whale. Interestingly enough I got new jeans for christmas, 3 pairs a size 0, a 2 and a 4 I am normally a 2 so I'm not sure how to feel about this one.
Now that I am home things are going to get much stricter and I WILL LOSE.
Yesterday I ate
- a spinach and feta wrap - 240 cal,
- a Grande skinny vanilla latte - 130 cal
- a coke zero - 0 cal
- and another coffee that I don't know the calories of but I would guess around 250
TOTAL: 620 cal

I am going to try to do the same if not better today.

It is going to be pretty easy I think, Daniel is working today and I am going to be mostly alone so I can restrict and do crunches and the like :D

I hope everyone has a wonderful day

-L

Hey everyone! I haven't been posting for some time - well, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me, but yeah, here I am, posting again.

I need help. I had a 150-cal dinner yesterday, around seven, and I barfed it all out. It wasn't intentional. I just felt so nauseous and threw up everything. After that, everything seemed to be pretty okay already. I got up for a 5 mile run at 5 this morning and threw up near a drain (I know that sounds gross, but I felt so nauseous after the run.) I couldn't take any solids today. I threw up broccoli, bread and strawberries I tried to eat for breakfast. Lunch wasn't any better. I threw up basically any solid food. I could only take liquids - I've taken yoghurt.

Does anyone know why this is happening to me? 

Um, if this helps, I'm 15, standing at 5'1.5, weighing roughly 90~ pounds.   

I would honestly fucking kill myself.

http://kateharding.net/2007/09/18/guest-blogger-heidi-i-hate-wls-heres-why-im-having-it/

63,7 kg, about 139 lbs? Yesterday I went swimming and exercising, my hands feel heavy. But I'm good. I lost weight from yesterday's huge number. Not much though but still..   

Recently I've felt mentally good. Everything is just fine. I'm fine. The holiday was really good for me since I've been really close to burn out.

I've noticed a lot of you girls do yoga. I don't have a wii fit or anything so i just do a lot of cardio. I really wanna lengthen my muscles out so my arms are'nt so bulky. Would yoga be right for me, and is there any videos on the internet that will show me how?

i absolutely hate the holidays with every bit of me.

thanksgiving, christmas, and new years? FUCK THAT.


i am totally out of control, i feel so fat & i swear ive gained ten pounds but im too afraid to go on the scale.



i really want to just kill myself.
i have to stop this madness, i need help



someone help me?
please.